IF this is supposed to be a start, why does it feel like the end? The end of having freedom, the end to anything equalling to fun. Here comes responsibility thumping on its way, announcing itself with no shame.

I dont mind having some responsibility, I know it will make me more aware of what is important. I dont want to be selfish. But then again, my whole life has been about pleasing others. Making other people feel accepted, understanding, letting things go even without a single utter of SORRY.

Over and over I fall into a deep hole of phunk. Knowing the many potential I have to be whatever I want to be. But at all times adhering to the limits set by others. WHY? why should I be dicteted by what other people feel right? By the definition of their success? Suddenly being me is not enough. My submissive ways are viewed as nonchalant. I do care, that is why I let you choose what you want. And yet another submissive word is banned from my dictionary.

There seem to always be one person in my life who can suck the words out of me. Someone who I can only fight in my own mind. Because if i say it out loud, it will be accompanied by tears, gushing and streaming. In the end I know it is to no avail as it has been said and done. It has been said and done before. So to say it again feels redundant, feels self repetitive.

Justification. Who has the right to justify in this world? Only God can judge. Then why does all of my actions and words are judged and justified by other people? And why in the hell do I have to care about their justification of me? When all I care about is them? Does it mean; to care for a person is to believe what they say about you? Is that justified???

Posting this will not bring any different in my life. It is just to rant. I know it. You know it. So why do I bother writting this then?